Daft Jokes

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair. Due to her eccentric nature, other residents tolerate her behavior and even play along.

As Ethel speeds down one corridor, a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he says in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a candy wrapper. "OK," he says and she goes on her way.

As she rounds the next corner, another man steps in front of her and shouts, "STOP! Do you have a valid taxi medallion for your vehicle, madam?" Ethel digs into her handbag again and pulls out a beer coaster. "Looks good," he says and sends her on her way.

Going down the final corridor, a third man steps in front of her. He is stark naked and holds an erection in his hand. "Oh no," says Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

Juan pedals up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that it is pure sand.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and allows him to cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, one day, Juan doesn't show up and the guard sees him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Stolen bicycles."

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

-- In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you get 30 minutes for a meal you buy or bring yourself.

--In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, good behavior is rewarded with more work.

-- In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, even personal calls are disallowed.

-- In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers. At work, you are the taxpayer.

-- In prison, everyone knows when you drop the soap. At work, everyone knows when you drop the ball.

--In prison, you spend most of your time waiting to get out from behind bars. At work, you spend most of your time waiting to go into the bars.

--In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, there are managers.

-- In prison, you can get shivved. At work, you get shafted.

Two clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off.

The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?

A: Nothing -- the police won't look into it.

Q: What did the prostitute say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz" before?

A: "No, but I've been swung by the tits."

Three blondes witness a crime so they go to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief shows them the first mug shot.

"That's not him," the first blonde states. "This man only has one eye."

The chief is stunned. "He only has one eye because it's a profile shot." He repeats the procedure for the second blonde.

"That's not him. This man only has one ear," she answers.

He smacks his head. "It's a profile shot." He repeats the procedure for the third blonde.

After viewing the photo, she says, "That's not him. This man is wearing contact lenses."

"How do you know that?"

"Well," she says, "he can't wear glasses with only one eye and one ear, now can he?"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''
''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''
''But officer, I just wanted to say...''
''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!''
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''
''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''

A trucker misses the turn-off before the low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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